I wrote this over 2 weeks ago and have had such a hard time posting it. I guess I've wrestled with what the response would be... but it has been and continues to be on my heart. So, here it goes…
Guess what? I struggle. There, I said it. It’s true and it’s often. Some days I’m ok with it all and feel like I can tackle whatever is on the agenda and other days, not so much. Then there are the days that I feel like an epic failure everywhere I am. I know I’m not the only one… admit it. Most of the time they’re small little things that need to be done or sometimes it’s extra pressure I put on myself that all add up to AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yes. I said it. You wanna know something else? Sometimes I get so overwhelmed, I just wanna scream. I mean really, and not just on paper. Wanna know something else? Last night I did. Right in the middle of the chaos of my sweet life. I wish you could’ve seen the looks on their faces. Every one of them stopped and just looked at me like I was nuts. I don’t know why it was so strange to them. They do it. What’s the difference? It’s that I’m the mama. I’m not supposed to act like that. I’m not supposed to want to scream. I’m supposed to have it all together. Sometimes I just don’t. Ok, lots of times I don’t.
There always seems to be a laundry list of things we allow ourselves to be consumed by. Some of us worry we are not the doting, encouraging wife we should be. Some of us worry that we are not skinny enough or pretty enough. We worry that we are not super-mom enough or pinteresty (yes, I just made that up) enough. And my problem is that I want to be super-mom. Some of us forget things that we need to do, or I forget things I said I would do. I often forget what I was saying mid-sentence, cause there’s always so much running through my brain. You’ll be glad to know that I haven’t forgotten my children anywhere… yet. I kid. Seriously though, I’m worried right now as I type, laying this all out in the open. What if someone thinks I’m crazy for writing this? We worry that our houses aren’t clean enough or big enough or good enough to open it to share life with others. I don’t like that sometimes I say harsh things in anger that I can’t take back. I hate it that I get so bogged down with the everyday cares of life that I miss seeing the blessings right in front of me. We get so focused on ourselves that we don't see the person who needs a kind word or even a smile to change their day. I struggle with other people knowing I’m struggling. And, it makes me nutty that it takes me 10 days and 3 reminders from the school to remember to send lunch money with for the kids… good thing they know where to find me… although, it apparently doesn’t matter. Do you see what I mean!?!?!
So in the mulling over of my epic failures, it hit me... thank you, God, that You allow me to be free to struggle. Did you get that? We are free to struggle. That is the very point of His unmerited grace. God knows we are not perfect, and He never asked us to be. Jesus was the only one who was. It’s really so easy to get sidetracked and consumed with the struggles of life that we forget that what God really wants is not for us to be all of those things or do all of those things. All He wants is all of me… all of you. And because we are so easily sidetracked… squirrel… He constantly gives opportunities to choose Him again and again. And because we will mess up again and again, His mercy is new every day. I can fail and fail and fail at whatever, but He doesn’t. Ever.
Let’s just be honest with each other. We will never be the perfect little wives… with the perfect children whose every hair is in place and everything part of their outfit matches… and the perfect houses… decorated with the perfect pinterest project. My job isn’t to be perfect. It’s to be His and to love others. Matter of fact, I think I’ll stop trying. Instead, I’ll try to teach my children what grace looks like lived out in the midst of our craziness. I will ask forgiveness when I say things I shouldn’t. I will do my best to be less offended when something is said harshly to me, and extend grace to the mouth saying it. I will try to look past my stuff to see the person standing close who needs a smile, and encouraging word, or just a hug. I’ll say to my friends, “you just c’mon over… I’ll move the laundry from the couch, and then I’ll getcha some Oreos and milk.” I will still have days when I’m overwhelmed. And don't get too optimistic, because I will probably still forget where I’m supposed to be and what I was saying. However, I will try to be overwhelmed with His sweet grace rather than the cares of my every day.